Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
