Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
