i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
