Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
