Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
