not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
