He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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