we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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