just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
