At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Sorry my hands just texted you
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
