cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
