Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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