Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
