so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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