I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
