I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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