I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
