clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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