But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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