I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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