I want to walk on stilts...naked
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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