the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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