you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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