Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Watching her eat just hurts me
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Why is there bacon in the couch?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
