I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
