peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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