i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
