Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
