If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I think your dad took our porno
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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