dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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