Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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