Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
