Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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