um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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