I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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