By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
