So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
