chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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