I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
