I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
