I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
