The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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