textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
