found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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