but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
