did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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