Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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