and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
This is my gift to your gina
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
