i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
