I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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