Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
