life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
