First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
