i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
